valerie.joy

in the end, it doesn't really matter

One of the interesting things on the internet is social networking.  From MySpace to Facebook, there are a multitude of online services that foster social interaction between strangers and friends and even family.  I have taken advantage of many social networking sites and these days Facebook takes much of my online attention.

I love the clean look of Facebook and the fact that, aside from my Mafia Wars friends, I have known and met most of the rest of the people on my friends list.  My friends list swelled this past year because of my high school reunion and it's been great catching up with old classmates.  Much of it is just in passing but it's still nice to reconnect, even in a distant manner.  I don't share everything with everyone, but I also don't mind that they see lots of the different parts of my Facebook.

Various family members are also Facebook friends.  I really do love being able to keep in touch with my family.  Yes, I'm one of those people who actually likes her family.  And I don't mind if they see my online endeavors.  I link the public portions of my livejournal to Facebook.  I say read away!  I don't get to see a lot of my cousins and such, so Facebook allows us all to stay in touch and maybe comment here and there on different posts and such.  It's nice.

I don't live and die for my Facebook connection.  Although it's a daily stop, I'm not starved for the social aspect of it.  I'm happy just playing Bejeweled Blitz or Mafia Wars.  It's lovely getting messages from different people and I do oftentimes "like" certain posts or updates.  Sometimes it's nice to exchange longer messages with people, but there's really no pressure to be totally on top of all correspondence.  You can be distant or personal at will.  I like to keep a friendly medium.

Sometimes, very rarely in my case, you get a friend request from someone you're obligated to friend back.  This has happened to me a couple of times.  I know, you shouldn't feel obligated to friend back someone but if you know the person, it's pretty rude to not honor the request.  Right?  Right.  So in this particular case, I did friend back the person.  My only issue, which I kept to myself, was that this person could possibly friend someone I don't like.  The issue came up but I still didn't say anything about it.  The people you friend on Facebook are your business and your business only.

Last I was looking through my Facebook friend list and noticed that someone was missing.  Curious, I thought.  Then again, this person didn't really update much, so maybe this person deleted their account.  But later, I dug a little deeper and found that the person still has a Facebook account.  I logged into my Facebook and tried searching using the person's email address and nothing came up.  Was it a glitch, I wondered?  Realization began to sink in and I logged in using a different account and tried searching again.  The FFF's (Former Facebook Friend) profile popped up.  And then I knew.

I had been de-friended and BLOCKED.  Yes, BLOCKED.

At first I was ANGRY.  Dropped & BLOCKED?  Over the top much?  Who does such a thing?  It would be easy to say that perhaps the person, not being so tech savvy, didn't realize what they were doing.  Sure, let's go with that for a moment.  But a person who doesn't know what they're doing would just at most drop the offending FB friend, right?  How would they know to take it a step further and block?  No, I couldn't give this person the excuse of not knowing what the block meant.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized it was a childish move.  And then I wondered WHY.  Why did this person block me?  A couple of scenarios played out but they call came down to the same thing-- something CHILDISH.  I hadn't actually done anything to this FFF.  I had to conclude that someone on my friend list or someone on the FFF's friend list caused the rift.  Whatever the reason, I am resolved to not mention it.

But here's the thing, did the FFF really think I wouldn't figure it out?  I'm not a novice at this stuff.  And I am a curious sort, so why wouldn't I check it out?  The thought that the FFF didn't think I would notice or figure it out just riles me for some reason.

Even though I've gotten over the whole thing now, I am still a little disappointed by the rudeness of it all.  But, as the title of this post says...

In the end, it doesn't really matter.

so it's been 20 years

Last week was my 20th high school reunion.  I've rehashed the night a couple of times online but now that a week has passed, I thought I'd recount the things that have stuck with me even after a week.

I am so glad that I took so many pictures.  I wish that I had taken more!  There are a few shots I wish I had taken but for the most part I'm satisfied with the visual remembrances.  And because I like to share, I thought I'd share some of my favorites.

with my good friend Debbie

Debbie and I actually became friends after high school.  Or rather, our friendship hits its stride after we graduated.  We both worked at Festival Cinemas and attended Cal State Hayward, so it became natural for us to become friends.  We were friendly in high school and got close towards the end of school and we are still friends to this day.  I always enjoy spending time with her and it was no different at the reunion.  Even though we mingled away from each other during the night, we got to catch up a the end (I rode with her) and share our different experiences of the evening.  Oh, and we also staked out the picnic spot at the dark park with the sprinklers on.  Classic.

at night's end, tired but still smiling

I've gone to every reunion since graduation (5th and 10th) but there were actually people I hadn't seen since we all parted ways twenty years ago.

Kristina, Steve, and me

I hadn't seen Steve since graduation.  He and his girlfriend Cherise (another '89er) arrived a bit late, but I got the chance to sit down and talk with him for a wee bit.  I've known Steve since third grade or so.  Towards the end of our Dayton days, I think we were the smart ones of the class.  It's funny the things I remember.

with my dear friend Andrea

Andrea and I have been friends since fourth grade.  She moved away before we graduated from high school but we have kept in touch.  We wrote letters back and forth for many years and now we email or message through Facebook.  I'm glad we can still sit down and talk.  I wish we lived closer to each other but at least we have texting and emailing and other means of communicating.  I will always love my friend Andrea.  :)

with Bobby

Bobby was my OMIGOSH I'M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU moment.  I was so happy to see him!  We were good friends towards the end of high school and we went to the Senior Ball together (I must find those pictures).  It was GREAT catching up with him.  Hopefully we get together in the future with our friends Elizabeth and Tina.

with Cassady

Cassady has been my friend since high school.  We became better friends during our Festival years and have shared a lot throughout the years.  I'm glad she went to the reunion.  We both went sans husbands, so we hung out together most of the evening.  It was great sharing observations on our fellow former classmates.

with Larry, Darryl, and Cassady

I went to Dayton Elementary with Larry and Darryl.  We were all in music together, though they continued that route in high school and I did not.  I wish I had continued but I think my choices were limited as to where a flute player could play.  I don't remember that we had an orchestra (like grade school).  It was either marching band (not my gig) or jazz band.  I would have loved jazz band but no flutes there.  Alas.

I haven't seen Darryl since high school, so it was wonderful catching up with him.  We weren't friends in high school, but we were classmates and we grew up together.

I have seen Larry throughout the years, but it was still nice together and chat throughout the night.  He's a good guy.

(?), Jeff, Kristee, Eric, Michelle, Andrea, me with Jimmy in front

This picture of mine probably has the most Dayton alumni.  Jeff, Eric, Andrea, and I all went to the same elementary school.  I didn't get a chance to talk with Eric past a hello but I did find myself standing next to Jeff towards the end of the night and I had to comment on how tall he got.  He was not that tall in high school!

with Kyle

Another fellow Dayton-ite!  We really should have all taken a picture together. lol!  How fun would that have been?  Kyle called me Camcam as a greeting, which made me laugh.  The things I remember about Kyle are: he's left handed, he has hazel eyes, and he had lighter hair when we were young.  I think I remember more about him from elementary school than high school, but isn't it nice that we all still remember each other fondly?

It was a great night of catching up and creating memories anew.  I really loved how everyone was mostly happy and enjoying themselves in their own way.  I'm glad I got to spend time with my friends.

I am also glad for Facebook.  It gave a lot of us a chance to see each other and not be so surprised by current appearances.  And it also gave us a little background on each other, if we so wished to check.  And now we can share our pictures on Facebook.

I hope plans to have an annual picnic or more casual get together pans out.  I wouldn't mind seeing these people again.  ;)

May hope be their lasting legacy

Even though it's been five years since I was employed by the sheriff's department, I still feel a certain connection to the people and the agency.  In fact, I feel a certain connection to all law enforcement agencies.  I worked as civilian staff but I worked with the badge personnel and saw many things in my time with them.

The deaths of the four officers from the Oakland Police Department have hit me with such anger and sorrow.  The connection tightened and pulled at me, reminding me of the people I worked with, the ones still out there who don the uniform, the horror of an officer who fell in the line of duty during my time there.  You work with people long enough and you learn to accept them, to care about them, to detest them, to love them.  Law enforcement is an unusual creature when you're not badge personnel.  I knew these men and women but I didn't know what it was like for them to put on the uniform along with the weapons and knowledge that this day could be their last.  You hear stories, you read reports, you listen.  I consider myself an empathetic person, so I could imagine what it must be like, but I don't *know.*

I don't say this often, but I do miss working for the sheriff's department.  I miss the people and the job.  I miss the financial security of it.  But I couldn't stay there and still stay the person I wanted to be.  So I left.  And I was glad.  But that doesn't mean I don't still care and still worry.  I do.

When the officers were shot and killed last Saturday, I felt sick.  Oakland has seen volatile times of late and this was yet another sign of the crackling atmosphere of the city.  We watched the news, waited for the facts and the reactions.  I wondered if I had ever seen any of these officers when I worked for the sheriff's department.  Did they pass through the halls of my work?  Did I ever nod a hello to them?  When I read that one of the officers was the husband of a former sheriff's deputy, it really hit me.  And I knew that this tragedy was cutting into the heart of all the law enforcement agencies out there.

My anger stems from the reactions of some people who believe the killer to be some kind of martyr.  While I understand, at the most basic level, that this person was a human being, his actions during his life stripped away decency, humanity, and goodness.  His last actions, so violent and hateful, displayed his utter disregard of human life.  Nothing can justify the last actions of this person.  NOTHING.  Yet people out there consider him some kind of misunderstood person, yet he was the one with a no-bail warrant for his arrest.  He was the one with a weapon in his possession.  He was the one who chose to shoot and kill the first two officers.  He was the one who chose to run and hole himself up with an assault weapon in a closet.  He was the one who chose to fire his weapon and take the lives of two more officers who wanted only to stop him from hurting anymore people.

And I'm sorry, people think donations and support should be sent to this killer's family?  For what?  HE KILLED FOUR PEOPLE.  He was a murderer in his last moments.  He took the lives of four men whose sole duty was to serve and protect.  Why did he do that?  We don't know.  But we certainly can't celebrate it.  We can only pity the people he left behind.  And if they had any dignity or intelligence at all, they would fade back into their lives and hope that no one connects them to the heinous actions of this murderer.

Now I'm watching the memorial for the four officers.  And I'm crying a lot, laughing a little.  It's hard listening to the speakers who knew the officers.  You can hear their pain and their sadness.  They share their memories and the enormity of their loss hits them at certain moments.  How can it be that these peace officers are gone?  All the people who attended and all the people who watched know how these men touched the lives of those around them.  They were loved.  And the men loved their families, their job, and the community.

I hope that some of the feelings of hope sink in and drive people to do good.  I hope that beyond giving their lives in the line of duty, the memories of these police officers remind us that there are those among us who do serve and protect for the greater good. 

May hope be their lasting legacy.

let me ramble on my way

Frank Sinatra - Classic Sinatra - Young at Heart

I just feel like writing.  I wonder if it’ll turn into anything coherent.  Perhaps not.

I ate the last cupcake at work.  The cupcakes were leftover from yesterday’s DELICIOUS and filling lunch to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day.  I think the cupcake helped me in the unusual 9-hour workday.  I know, I shouldn’t balk about a 9-hour workday.  It will be quite worth it come Friday and it’s half day.

My sister felt the baby move.  How exciting is that?  I think it’s exciting.  I only wish that she and her husband lived closer so that I could see her at least every month.  I miss my sister.  I want to see her grow big.  I keep telling her to take pictures but I have yet to see one of her pregnant!

I’m going backwards with the pictures.  Pictured are the last six cupcakes.  I’m not sure I can tell which one ended up being mine.

Spring is coming!  Wait, it's really almost here.  This weekend?  I think so.  Wow, my favorite season is almost upon us and I feel so ill prepared!

Time to get ready to watch LOST.  Gosh, that show has me HOOKED.

pondering randomly

I find myself rushing the minutes of the daily routine, always pushing for the weekend, as if time doesn’t flow the same when the daily routine is not followed.  Do you ever do that yourself?

It’s already been a week since WonderCon and it feels as though the time there had stretched into a different flow of time.  Even as the more mundane details slip away, I still remember certain things of that day.

Sitting on BART, listening to my Nano.

Walking to the Moscone.

Moving much too slowly through the throngs of people milling about the exhibit floor.

Sitting in the Esplanade Ballroom, waiting for the panels to start.

All of it still lingers in my mind.  I hold on to it because it’s not part of my daily routine.  It’s something that happened outside of the usual turn of the day.  And those hours at WonderCon have spawned a fangirl crush, which always eases the sharp edges in the day.

lazy weekend things

Mariah Carey Feat. Snoop Dogg - Emancipation Of Mimi - Say Somethin

We usually stay in on the weekends but yesterday we went to the mall!  I know, exciting, eh?  And for lunch we had hamburgers at Red Robin.  I love Red Robin hamburgers.  I'm quite partial to the Red Robin Bacon Cheeseburger.  Mmmmm!

And yes, I like to take pictures of food.  I think it's a great test of the macro feature on a camera, don't you?

The mall was not busy at all, which was nice.  I hate busy malls.  All those people bug the heck out of me!  I bought a few things at a couple of stores (Aveda and Bath & Body Works).  I touched the Samsung Omnia and the Blackberry Storm.  Such prettiness!  I love new tech stuff.

We got home in time to watch the football games.  I think I must have taken a nap because I don't remember much of either game.  LOL!  And after the games we watched Grindhouse.  I actually enjoyed the double feature!  Violent and gory and funny and gross.  Classic.  And it was neat seeing a name I knew in the credits.  Yah!  :)

finding balance

I'm beginning to believe in keeping myself in balance.  Mostly my mental state.  So even though I don't want to feel the darker emotions (anger, despair, hate), I know that I must feel them and let them go.  What's the use of not feeling those things?  You just don't appreciate the good emotions as much if you don't feel the bad ones too.

So when I feel an almost illogical anger about certain things, I let myself ride the wave of that anger.  I know that I will end up appreciating the very good things in my life even more.  The challenge is keeping the balance.  And right now, it's interesting how much of the battle comes from family and my perceptions.

Stepping outside of myself, I'm almost amused by the way my emotions spread themselves out.  Even more interesting is how I will talk about the good stuff more often than the bad stuff.  Do people who actually read my musings wonder if I'm only a sunshiny person filled with naive good thoughts and the like?  Then again, I've been told that I write rather dark poetry at times, so maybe that's the balance in my writing.  Maybe.

I am continually amazed by how some people regard their family.  Here's where I'm perhaps sunshiny-- I actually do love my family.  I know that I could work on my relationship with my parents, but with my sister and my cousins, most things are peachy.  I know I'm lucky to have such a wonderful family.  Further extending, I can sit with almost any of my older cousins and their kids and just chat.  It's not a CHORE to go to one of my family functions.  It's not a duty or obligation on my part.  I honestly enjoy being around them.  I'm comfortable and at ease with my family.  We've been lucky to escape some of the drama that has plagued the older members of the family.  You know, the crazy and vicious cycle of gossip.

Marrying into a smaller family enlightened me to different things.  I realized that not everyone is close to their family.  I couldn't fathom the broken ties between different family members.  It's a constant struggle on my part to hold my tongue when people are unbelievable asinine.  I keep myself non-committal and mild.  But I do have my opinions and I do have my annoyances.  I just keep them locked away when in certain circles.

But sometimes, the darker emotions linger longer than I'd like. Sometimes I want to give in to the disgust and the anger.  Sometimes I leave it in too long and it festers inside of me.  And sometimes I just want to rail against the idiocy and scream at the top of my lungs.

And that's when I need to let it go. 

And sometimes it holds fast to me.

This is when I strive for balance.  Feeling nothing and everything.  Finding peace in chaos.

resolutions

music :: Dead Man's Bones - http://www.myspace.com/deadmansbones - In The Room Where You Sleep (wrap party live version)

I actually haven't thought about my resolutions for 2009.  My standing one of course involves my poetry - write one poem a day.  After that, things are up in the air.  Shall I go for random?  Yes, let's go for random!

1. Write one poem a day.
2. Take one picture a day... either post the picture each day or post a week's worth of pictures in one post... hmmm, I like the thought of saving pictures for one post...
3. Take a picture with a "celebrity" type (this includes actors, singers, baseball players, writers, etc) of the male persuasion.
4. Email or call my sister and cousins at least once a week.
5. Visit my grandfather's grave at the very least on his birthday and his death day.
6. Go to three baseball games this season (more A's than Giants, please!)
7. Learn to bake.
8. Start going to church.

Let's see how many of these resolutions get broken.  ;)

I'm glad the holidays are over

I don't mind the holidays in which gifts are not involved. There's so much pressure during Christmas time, don't you think? Buy gifts, write cards, do your duty and divide your time amongst various relatives. The stress and business of the holidays oftentimes sucks the feeling of goodness in the heart. Or maybe it was just me this time of year. Such a sucky feeling.

Most of the time I can turn my mind to the positive bits of the days, but the darker annoying bits have been sprinkling through my consciousness. Alas.

The last three days before today were nice though. I got to spend time with my sister and my cousins and we just hung out and took turns holding the babies. Babies are so cute! It's funny how at ease I am with my cousins' kids. It's probably because they are the babies of my cousins. But even besides the babies, it was great spending time with my sister and my cousins. It doesn't seem like it's been a year or so since I've last seen my sister. Time just flies.

Tomorrow I go back to work. Just for two days. Yah!

I should resolve

It's amazing how my patience is paper thin in certain situations. It's as if my polite control will break at any moment. It's almost something outside myself and I wonder if I will break at some point. But then I don't. The impatience ebbs away. Or so I hope. I wish for my balance in the coming days. I don't have a temper really but I find that the negatives of the current days are darkening my mood. And I don't like having dark moods. And I know it's a waste of time worrying about crap I can't control. So I try to tell myself to just focus on the little miracles and not the idiocy. It's a lot of work.

christmas in my heart

I know it should not matter if we don't have the means to buy anything for anyone for Christmas, but it really is a downer to not even be able to pick up a few things for the people that matter at this time of year.  I know I could take the high road and just say it's the thought that counts, it's the doing or being good that truly reflects the meaning of this time of year.  But darn it, I like giving gifts!  I have the damnedest time trying to find gifts for people, but not even being able to go out there and look just irritates me.

We never decorate our place for the holidays.  The only vestiges of Christmas cheer come in whatever cards pass through our mailbox or whatever music I play when I'm wrapping gifts or doing the cards.  I've been all right with that most of these years, but I think now that I can't do certain things, I miss it.  I'm not really doing cards, though I'll probably try to at least send to those who send to me.  As for gifts, I should learn how to bake!

The song by The Jets, "Christmas in my Heart" keeps playing in my head and I'm feeling a lot of the lyrics right now.

there's a feeling in the air
that I'd really like to share...

Ah well.  Maybe I'll try to do a little webpage to send some holiday cheer.  Or send individual emails.  Or maybe individual emails with little pictures!  Hmmm.

I take too many pictures of my dogs

I like to take pictures and I take them all the time. I long ago gave up on film and have been digital for many years now. I love it. I love the freedom of taking pictures on the fly and not worrying about much more than if I have enough space on my card (which I have yet to fill up on any of my devices). I'm mostly a point-and-shoot type of photographer and do it just for fun. My current cameras are:

* Canon Rebel XTi - The fancy dSLR of my collection. It's a beautiful piece of equipment and I need to learn how to effectively use it. So far I've just really used it for special occasions and such. I've practiced a little with the settings, but I'm woefully uneducated on its intricacies. But I am determined to learn more about my wonderful camera so that I can take awesome pictures.

* Sony DSC-T200 - My point-and-shoot/put in my purse or pocket camera. It's a cute thing and I've always loved Sony cameras. It takes nice pictures and does a decent job with video as well. I also need to learn its intricacies, but I figure I just need to keep shooting away.

* The Blackberry Curve 8330 - My constant companion. It's my phone, my email device, and my camera all rolled into one! As my constant companion, it takes many of my daily shots. It's not very fancy, but it's functional and sometimes it even takes an eye-catching shot. I love how I can email my pictures out to my Flickr right after I take a shot. Instant sharing is great!

I know it amuses people when they see me taking pictures of things like food or flowers or the sky. Food pictures are the most fun, especially when you look back on them while you're hungry. Mmmmm! Flowers are good for practicing the macro setting. And the sky is good for the zoom lens, especially if something is flying across the sky.

I do have goals for my photography. I would love to learn how to take those amazing night shots. And how about baseball shots? Yes indeed. And people are always fun to capture as well.

And yes, I do take a lot pictures of my dogs. They're easy. I'm sure they hate it too.

The fog this morning

I like the chill.

Once more

From the Curve I write.

i'm welcoming myself to typepad

We're watching billiards and they keep saying things like "perfect rack." And I must stop myself from giggling.  ;)